Do you love YOU?

I’m taking advantage of the Valentine’s holiday (again) to post about something that is REALLY important, yet, many of us completely neglect.  Self-Love.

A 4-Year Old Awakens Me
I was talking to my 4 year old daughter the other day about what Valentine’s is- that we celebrate the love we feel for our friends, family, and others.  So we started naming who we loved  “grandparents, mom, dad, cousins, school friends, teachers, etc”;  when she asked me “you?” I said “yes sweetie, I love you too” for what she answered “no, I mean, do you love you?”…

Hmm, that’s deep… I’m not sure she even meant what she said or she was aware, but I took it to heart and thought to myself “great question!”.

Of course for most of us the answer is "yes, of course" but digging deeper... do you? or are you constantly putting others needs first? are you hard on yourself whenever you make a mistake?

As a Health Coach, we not only guide and educate clients on diet, nutrition, and physical activity for their health, but we talk about other important aspects like stress-management, relationships, mental and spiritual health- if you think about it, these all stem from self-care and self-love.

Researching on the subject, I found that psychologists very often see a theme of self-neglect when dealing with depressed patients.  Many people think this is a “selfish” thing to say or even think about, but the truth is it’s not! It’s being selfish not to love yourself.  Mothers especially think focusing all their time and energy on their children is the right thing to do, but I’ve learned otherwise…

Here I share what I learned from "World of Psychology" and other sources. Hope it helps!

Self-Love Through Positive Feedback
Doing things for others doesn’t make you happy. How you perceive yourself for doing things for others means you feel happy. There is a difference. Many people who are conscientious, thoughtful, and like to help others, often do it to feel good about themselves because they have limited ability to feel good about themselves without others’ feedback. They are using the positive feedback from others to bolster their sense of being "good enough".

If people had more self-love and self-acceptance, that feedback wouldn’t be so important. They would be able to do things freely for other people and not be so concerned with receiving positive affirmation. They would be more emotionally balanced because they have a healthier sense of what it means to be accepting of themselves – the good, bad, and everything in between. If a person can only feel good about him- or herself by doing things for others, he or she is at the mercy of others’ feedback, and his or her sense of worth can go up and down like a yo-yo.

Why Self-Love?
Because it helps to realize that you are as important as anyone else, and what you think and feel is valid. For many, this is the most difficult part. Maybe you’ve grown up thinking that others are always better than you, and you don’t matter, and people aren’t interested in you unless you please them. But that thinking will only lead you to conclude that others’ happiness is more important than yours, and it isn’t.

"True self-love and self-acceptance is a practice, not a perfect."

Self-Love Involves:

• Self-care.
  Self-care means you treat yourself just as kindly and thoughtfully as you would anyone else. If you are uncomfortable doing something, then you don’t do it and that’s OK. Just because somebody might be disappointed that you didn’t help him or her, that’s his or her choice to feel that way.
  
  
  
• Considering your needs.
  If that means others don’t get all of you, all the time, then that’s also OK. People can learn to adjust and be responsible for themselves, and you can also learn to ask for help.
  
  
• Caring for yourself with the same level of effort that you do for others.
  That might mean you don’t always fulfill your goal of helping others because you’d prefer to spend time doing something for yourself. That’s not selfish!
  
  
• Accepting yourself for all that you are- both your positive aspects and your human fallibility.
  You cannot be all good all the time. That’s OK, and that is human. You can work on self-improvement, but that doesn’t mean you discount the parts of yourself you don’t like as much. Those aspects are still part of your whole. Give yourself a break!
  
  
• Saying no to others’ requests.
  Be realistic about your time and your capability. You are not totally responsible for everybody else’s needs, so it is OK to say no when you can't and/or don't feel like it.

Working toward self-love and acceptance can take time. You can do little steps like self-care by eating healthy, taking time to exercise or for a massage, being more aware of how YOU feel and what YOU need, etc… In time, you’ll learn to self-love and accept yourself for all that you are!